


But I've Come Prepared

by monkiainen



Category: Belgariad/Malloreon Series - David & Leigh Eddings
Genre: Community: smallfandomfest, Gen, Introspection, Soul-Searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-03 05:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1732946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monkiainen/pseuds/monkiainen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Silk looks back in life, and wonders who he truly is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But I've Come Prepared

**Author's Note:**

> Fills the prompt _The people he's been_ for the Fest15 of [ smallfandomfest](http://smallfandomfest.livejournal.com)

_And don't tell me how / I'll smile and pretend and won't show to the crowd / And I'll go without / Punish myself for not knowing about_

Corpse Roads by Keaton Henson

* * *

Silk was not afraid of death. Not anymore, not after all the things he had seen in his life. When one has faced the wrath of god _(albeit a very maimed one, and in the sidelines, but still)_ everything else seems… insignificant.

At first he was known as Kheldar, Prince of Drasnia. A young boy, born into the royal line - the heir to the Drasnian throne after his uncle Rhodar. His life was easy, living in the luxury, until the fateful day his uncle married Porenn.

Kheldar fell in love for the first time. To a woman he could never have. The pain was something he never wanted to feel again, so he ran, ran away, as far as possible.

His first transformation happened, and Kheldar changed to Silk. Not a prince anymore, but something else entirely: a skilled spy, merchant, thief, and acrobat. Sharp-witted and cynical, a notorious bachelor. Silk didn’t fall in love. Silk was someone who could look after himself, thank you very much.

However, there were times when Silk had to be someone else to make things happen. At first he became Ambar of Kotu, but only for a while. Then he realized he also needed to be Radek of Boktor once and a while. Those three different personalities and mannerisms were his tools in the chaotic world. Sometimes the edges between Silk and Ambar and Radek were so blurred that in the mornings Silk had to think twice before opening his mouth. It could be fatal if he _pretended_ to be the wrong person at the wrong time. Silk had no place in the world where Ambar lived, nor did Radek had a place in the world of espionage. On occasion Silk wonders if there was a place for him to fit at all, or was he destined to run till the day he dies. _(he can’t run forever though, not as long he’s the next in royal line)_. Yet he kept on running, hoping that one day there will be a place for him in this messed up world.

The Guide. The name he didn’t want but was still given to him by the Mrin Codex. At first he didn’t want it, not at all. He was not a guide of any kind, and even if he were a guide he’d be monumentally good at leading people into wrong directions. Silk tried to fight the prophecy, in vain. For what was written so long ago was his destiny, whether he wanted it or not. It was his job to guide the young and naïve Garion in his path to face Torak. If only he had been more prepared for the job.

Looking back, Silk realizes he wasn’t only guiding Garion back then but himself as well. It took him many years to get over his infatuation on Porenn, the wife of his uncle. During their quest, there were days when Silk didn’t think of Porenn at all, for his mind was occupied with strategies and lessons of life he needed to show to Garion before it was all too late. Without noticing, he guided himself back to become Kheldar, Prince of Drasnia again. Even if it still hurt to see Porenn, Silk knew it was getting better. At least he didn’t dream of marrying Porenn anymore.

It was Kheldar, not Silk who met Liselle. A beautiful, demure woman, who eventually stole his heart without him even noticing. By the time Silk realized what had happened, he and Velvet _(how fitting, the old Aldur must have had quite laugh in planning this)_ were already married. Not that Silk minded, but the irony of it all doesn’t go unnoticed.

And what has become of him now, when all the battles have been fought? Silk still doesn’t know. Is he Silk, or Kheldar, or Ambar, or Radek? Or something else entirely: The Guide? He has so many questions but no answers. Why does it have to be so hard?

Silk once asked Belgarath why it had to be him. He was not give an answer, only more riddles to solve. It infuriates him to no end. He should have known better. When exactly had Belgarath given anyone an honest answer on their first try? Never. Unless, of course, you were Polgara. That woman was terrifying. Although not as much as Poledra.

There are times when Silk is confident about himself and his abilities. On those days it feels like he can do anything, everything he sets his mind to. If even a mangled God could stop him, then what would?

Then Silk remembers he’s just a man. Just because his name has been mentioned in the Mrin Codex thousands of years before he was even born doesn’t make him a god, or immortal. He is nothing but a man, of a royal family.

One night it hits him: he is all those names and characteristics in one man. He’s a noble man, who spies for his country and guides a young king in his impossible task. He is also a married man, Ambar of Kotu, Radek of Boktor, the nephew of late King Rhodar and the uncle of Kheva. Finally Silk feels like he’s not losing himself.

So what if he has been many different persons in his life? It doesn’t really matter now that he has Liselle by his side. She knows who he has been and who he is now and she accepts him the way he is. It’s a relief, to have someone he doesn’t have to pretend with. The advantages of marrying a fellow spy, he thinks, watching Liselle from the corner of his eye.

He is The Guide, the one chosen to help Garion in his quest. His next mission is to guide himself to a better life.


End file.
